Herrmitain

 I hope no one would read this blog. Ever. I use this blog to say things I would never say to anyone, because saying it could have impacted me perversely. So, it's better for me to keep what I want to say to stay hidden from other people's eyes or knowledge as it would benefit no one, at least at the point I'm writing this. Children. A huge gift for those who are able to negate it. A burden and a sin to those who are not able to, despite bringing them to this world by choice. A choice. Bringing a child into this world is definitely a choice. Chose to get married. Chose to make love. Chose to have a child. Chose to have more child. And another. And another.  What would be the reason why parents stop having children? Is it, I cannot financially support them anymore? Or is it I cannot be bothered to stay up at night looking after them, changing their diapers, feeding them, burping them, all those things young parents do? Or is it, I just cannot have another young mind I can sh...

 Just venting a little here. I love making food. Truly, I do. Making them, plating them, eating them. I love them all.  But there are just moments in my life where I just cannot be bothered to cook. And today is one of them. I feel like cleaning the kitchen is okay, but to cook? Honestly, I'm feeling a little drained of being cooped up in the house, cleaning, cooking, cleaning again, other house chores, and it just doesn't end. And the expectation is, I have to clean, cook, clean, cook, clean, cook, clean, cook, and I see no end to it to be honest.  I like cooking when I get input of what to make, being with me in the kitchen as a way of supporting me, and cleaning in turns. And there are days, I just want to order in. Just to feel like I get to skip cooking for a day. I know I order in before, but yeah, I don't know man. I can't say it, cause I feel like it's wrong. I know I get allowance every month, but man... I do feel it. The burn is here, not sure if it's ...

Since the last post which was exactly 2 months ago, some things has been happening.  I started on a weight loss journey, by myself  I've lost 4.6 kg total  I gained some of them back and lose them again for the past couple of week Had a emotional low where I had to solicit advice from a friend  I always thought losing weight was easy, as the only thing you had to do was watch over what you eat and you'll lose the kgs. But, from what I experienced, the emotional battle within me was the hardest to face. Telling myself, if I quit I could eat whatever I want since I gained some of the weight back. Why keep at it when I plateaud, and even gain weight back? Tough questions to answer.  I know the answer is consistency and not giving up. But that is easier said than done. However, I want to come out the other side being 10 or 15 kg lighter. I want it. I will it. It will be done.  Hope's my next post will be more cheerful haha Here's hoping.   

Yesterday was the 2nd day of a little program organized by our company. A little get together to learn new skills that has something to do with assessment reporting, determining the best course of action after we have gathered some information in our helping process.   The class was wonderful. New friends are great. Old friends are even greater. We shared minds on what mistakes we did, how to improve, safe to say we're taking in huge loads of new information and trying to adopt these new standards for our own habitual practice.  Those are what I considered the highs of yesterday and the day before that.  But, the lows.  I ended yesterday with self-blame, grieving over my own appearance, with a dash of self-loathe. I was asked during Rorschach analysis whether I've never been happy about the way I look.      Caught off guard, I nodded and said yes.  When asked whether I wanted to be Cinderella.      I nodded and said y...

 Hari ni 9 februari dah. Aku masih kat rumah, menunggu surat terima untuk buat intern kat tempat yang aku dah mohon hari tu. Hmm.. takutlah tak dapat. Tapi, aku tau aku takkan give up awal. Jangan bersangka buruk orang kata. Okay. Aku taknak sangka buruk. Aku mesti boleh dapat intern kat situ. Jia you CK! Pastu kan korang, hati aku rasa berat je beberapa hari ni. Nak tau tak kenapa? Orang yang paling rapat dengan aku mungkin akan kawin tak lama lagi. Aku happy sangat untuk dia, sebab dia dah jumpa orang yang sayang dia. Tapi aku rasa macam nak kena tinggal. Aku sorang je tinggal nanti, tak kawin lagi, takde kerja betul lagi. Entahlah... Aku nak la tak sedih sebab kalau aku sedih nanti aku yang susah nak grow. Dia memang akan habiskan masa dengan pasangan dia la kan. Selama ni aku ada kawan. Lepas dia kawin, aku dah takde kawan dah. Mesti la dia letak lagi banyak komitmen kat pasangan dia. Habis aku macam mana? Tamak betul aku ni kan? 

Why do I enjoy feeling sad ? Why do I watch videos that make me cry? Why do look forward to listening to sad songs/arrangement over and over and over again? Why do I imagine myself being in that tight spot, where I can't get out or have to die or worse? Why do I like men that portray bad characters? Why do I pretend to be hurt, to be in pain? Why do I pretend like I'm okay? Why do I feel like I'm holding on to nothing? These are some of the questions that's bothering me today. I have no idea why I do these things, and why I insists on doing it even though it bothers me that these questions remain unanswered. I guess life is not meant to have nothing happen in / uneventful. You just create things in your mind when you have nothing exciting happening in real life. Just so to maintain your sanity, your mind create these moments so you could put some sort of value to your existence even though it all only exists in your mind. Who says if it only exists in your ...

But.. Hmm, this type of posts always comes with a 'but'. If I want to say I'm writing this because of personal experience, that wouldn't be entirely correct. I bet most of daughters feels this, or have felt this. Dad, we adore you. But please don't get mad at us for things we've done nothing wrong of. If we are, sure. We completely understand. But please don't do it if we're not guilty. Dad, we adore you. But don't use sarcasm to get what you want. Just tell us nicely what you want us to do, and we'll do it for you. We grew up being told what to do nicely and politely, and we do the same to other people. To be told sarcastically by you is a pain in our hearts. Yet, we do it anyway. Why? Because we adore you. Dad, we adore you. But please listen when what you do is wrong or questionable. We listened to you when we was growing up, why can't you give us the fair chance, by just listening to what we have to say? It is not difficult, we...

Hello everyone. For the second Things to Ponder, I'd like to talk about this little thing called diversion. Let's get into it. For years now, we've been 'babied' by a small group of people. These people gave us news wrapped in candies, sugar, and everything sweet but underneath all that, is the rotten truth of what our world really is. We were told that we're doing great, but the truth is we are at the brink of collapse. Some of us might not notice it yet, but we are being targeted by some big powers looking to occupy us like we used to. Remember that? Millions suffering, people killed with no solid base whatsoever, women and girls raped and then killed, and many more who worked for the powers that be even if they are unwilling for this thing called staying alive.  There are so many problems that normally seen in the crevices of life is being brought up to the surface by way of news or social media. While the more important and life changing news are left in...

Hello everyone. So, I'm starting a new series called Things to ponder. In this first TTP session, I'm going to discuss about the appropriate name to call your children. Now, we've heard parents call their children a multitude of names which includes their given name. We're not discussing their names in this session because I want to save that for some other post later in time. I'm talking about that cutesy names that the parents call their children. I'm all for calling your children by girl, boy, sweetheart, munchkin, anak, budak bertuah and so forth, but one thing that I continue to disagree until today is to call your own child, kakak, abang or adik. To train your other kids to call each other by kakak, abang, or adik is a must I guess unless you want them to call each other by some other name like Along, Angah or other names as well. But for parents to call their daughter kakak, and their son, abang or adik, it's just disagreeable. Why would you want ...