Highs and lows of my yesterday

Yesterday was the 2nd day of a little program organized by our company. A little get together to learn new skills that has something to do with assessment reporting, determining the best course of action after we have gathered some information in our helping process. 

 The class was wonderful. New friends are great. Old friends are even greater. We shared minds on what mistakes we did, how to improve, safe to say we're taking in huge loads of new information and trying to adopt these new standards for our own habitual practice. 

Those are what I considered the highs of yesterday and the day before that. 

But, the lows. 

I ended yesterday with self-blame, grieving over my own appearance, with a dash of self-loathe. I was asked during Rorschach analysis whether I've never been happy about the way I look. 

    Caught off guard, I nodded and said yes. 

When asked whether I wanted to be Cinderella. 

    I nodded and said yes.

I never really thought that my weight was repulsive to others, as people most of the time people are kind to me. But yesterday, I saw a new way of people looking at me. They see me as an overweight girl, that's it. No other value. 

    And that knowledge made me repulse myself. I am nothing else but her. Is that true?

It doesn't matter if it is. It's what they see. 

As a result of that, I think I need to forget to eat. Since I've never forgotten to eat in my whole life. I need to get my head busy, so I don't think about what's the next meal going to be. Because I love eating. 

I hope this works, because honestly I'm not good with physical activities. Cutting calories is the only thing I'm capable of doing right now because after yesterday, going out for a jog will hurt my mental health as I can only see that I'm repulsive. And no one wants to see that.  No one wants to see me.

So, this is my mental state for now. Not telling my twin about this. I'm processing this and I even hate my words so I can't tell her. 

Well, here's hoping.